Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
You Might Also Like
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Great Canadian literature.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.