*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
You Might Also Like
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.