How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Every work meeting this week