There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.