I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Can. I. Help. You.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.