Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
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The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
hmmm
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”