A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.