I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago