Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
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I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Des Moines Police having a normal one
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Before & after 😅
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.