My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
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NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
The funk soul brother
wishing you and yours all the best
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.