Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
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Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I was bored.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing