Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Someone just threatened to call me later
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”