Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
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My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Every BBC series about the universe.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*