My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
True freaking story!
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
uh oh
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.