Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.