Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
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I wish I were this cool 😂
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I’m awake but I object,
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I’m good, thanks.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Taking phone security to the next level.