On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.