Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
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Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.