spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Meat Cute
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I occasionally drink every single night.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.