losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
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My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.