I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
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Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Sing it!
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
A short story of betrayal:
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents