Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
You Might Also Like
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
What kind of a cult is this?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet