Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Stop sending me this shit.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare