Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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…u ok Nintendo?
No laws when master is gone
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Morning.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
🤣😈🤣
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!