Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
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Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
is it earth
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup