Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
want me to check your oil?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog