Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
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Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”