The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
You Might Also Like
Why I divorced her.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants