My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
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kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Not even remotely sorry.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.