My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
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Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!