me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
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Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
goldfish mafia
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.