You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married