Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
We have a winner.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉