tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
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In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you