I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
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Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
The A string on my guit_r is flat