I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
You Might Also Like
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.