The photographer’s assistant
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Thrilling chase underway
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.