She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!