you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Camping tip: No.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*