Natural selection at its finest
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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
You better watch out
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.