Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
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Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
repaired
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*