A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease