Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
You Might Also Like
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall