My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face