ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.