Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.