I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
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I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.