I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
How to make infinite energy.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.