INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
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My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I put the h in mysterious.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.