<—- homeless romantic
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER